Domestic Violence Response Protocol
For families impacted by domestic violence
Someone to listen.
Someone to help.
That someone is YOU.
Whether it happened once or many times.
Whether it is a coworker, parent or neighbor.
Whether their pain is physical or emotional.
Whether we call it abuse, assault, or we don’t know what to call it.
Anyone can help a survivor.
Domestic Violence Response Process
The [insert name of] School District strives to create a culture of care where all individuals feel safe, valued, and respected. It is the policy of the district to provide trauma-informed responses to those in our community who have been impacted by domestic violence. The purpose of this guide is to empower you to identify and respond to domestic violence.
Domestic violence exists when relationships are based on the power and control of one person over another and can include physical, emotional, sexual, and economic abuse. It is an experience that impacts many of us and that is sometimes hard to identify and acknowledge. The shame surrounding this topic and the fact that many of us do not know what to say or do contributes to the persistence of this problem.
Your role is to believe, support, and validate survivors of abuse. It is more helpful to listen and make affirming statements than to ask questions. You are not responsible for investigating or finding out details. If you do ask questions, they should be related to making sure the person is okay, exploring their needs, and building empathy, options, and choices.
Adult survivors often need information, support, and options. For children who have witnessed domestic violence, the presence of a consistent, caring adult is the key to healing and resilience.
You are someone who can help.
Use this guide to learn how.
Children
Behaviors you may see or hear about:
aggression, name-calling, bullying
excessive or constant irritability and/or crying
more tired than usual
physical symptoms: frequent illness, tummy aches, or headaches
loss of bowel or bladder control
rigid or sexist ideas about gender roles
cruelty to animals
excessively needy of time, attention, and touch
impulsiveness
rejecting or withdrawing from physical touch
lack of empathy
hypervigilance: anxious about or sensitive to noises
withdrawn or excessively quiet
lack of confidence in beginning or trying new tasks
chronic or increased absence
excessive fear of breaking rules or making mistakes
apathy or lack of emotion
increased separation anxiety: afraid to leave parent or caregiver
ignoring privacy boundaries
changes in play: less able to play creatively or spontaneously
trouble maintaining focus
acting younger than developmentally typical (bed wetting, tantrums, etc.)
If you are concerned that a child has experienced or witnessed domestic violence, follow these steps:
Believe, support, and validate them.
Tell them that there are people who can help.
Talk to your school’s counselor or point-of-contact.
What to say and do:
Believe, Support, and Validate…
“Let’s walk to the office right now to see if we can talk to the counselor.”
“Violence isn’t okay.”
“This was not your fault.”
“I am here to help, please go on.”
“It is not your job to fix what is happening in your family.”
“If you want to share, I can handle it.”
“I believe you.”
“Is your body ok? Do you need a doctor?”
“I’m so glad you came to talk to me.”
“I will do everything I can to help you feel safe at school.”
“I’m sorry to hear this has happened to you.”
“Sharing can be hard—take your time.”
“It’s ok to be confused or to have mixed feelings about either of your parents.”
“This is important. Your safety is important.”
Do Promote Safe and Positive Coping Skills…
Teach them to call 9-1-1 in an emergency.
Help them identify names and phone numbers of trusted adults (friends, family members, and neighbors) that they could call if needed.
Encourage them to try to stay out of the middle of fights or arguments.
Help them think about safe hiding places to go to if adults are fighting.
Support by actively listening and believing them.
Be kind: Convey warmth and understanding and offer an open door to talk again.
Encourage them to:
Eat healthy snacks or meals
Rest, sleep
Be gentle and positive in their self-talk
Carry something comforting in difficult moments (like a stuffy, poem, or blanket)
Spend time outside or do something creative: like dancing, drawing, or doing crafts
Read or ask someone to read to them
Play with a sibling or neighbor
Make a mental picture to calm down or feel safe (think of the beach, or your grandma, for example)
Don’t…
Minimize or downplay the situation.
Ask a lot of questions or press for details.
Make promises you can’t keep.
Adults
Behaviors you may see or hear about:
extreme jealousy, possessiveness, or insecurity
manipulating and using children or visitation to manipulate and control
short temper
threats to involve CPS, disclose drug abuse or mental illness, or take children away
frequent mood swings
physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way
controlling or dominating in meetings or conferences
using children to relay messages
suspiciousness or accusations of cheating
monitoring or stalking behaviors
telling a partner what they can and cannot do
belittling, name-calling, or put-downs
excessive texts, especially wanting to know their partner’s location
isolation from family and friends
distributing pictures or videos of sexual or physical violence
ignoring privacy boundaries
rigid concept of gender roles
showing up unexpectedly to conferences or events
appears afraid of the other person
Adult survivors of domestic violence need…
To build connections
Someone to listen to them
Information that will help them make decisions about their own life
Recognition of their strengths and their capabilities
Emotional and financial support
To be believed & validated
People who trust that they know their situation and child(ren) best
Meaningful access to resources
What to say or do for adult survivors:
Believe, Support, and Validate…
“This sounds like a difficult experience.”
“I’m really sorry to hear this happened to you.”
“I can see how much you love your child/children.”
“This was not your fault.”
“You deserve to be treated with respect.”
“What do you need?”
“Are you okay? Do you need medical attention?”
“I believe you.”
“I’m so glad you came to talk to me.”
“Do you feel safe?”
“This is important.”
“I am here to help, please go on.”
“I know this might be uncomfortable. Please take your time.”
“If you want to talk about this again, you can talk to me.”
“How can we help you feel safer at our school?”
Do respond in a healing-informed manner…
Talk to the parent in a safe setting, away from their partner.
Support by actively listening.
Recognize that the parent may be fearful, confused, protective about their privacy, and/or vulnerable.
Be kind. Convey warmth and understanding.
Believe them. It takes a lot of courage and strength to tell someone and it can be devastating to hear that someone doesn’t believe you.
Tell them it’s not their fault. Many survivors blame themselves, so it is crucial to tell them it isn’t their fault and remind them that the other person is responsible for their actions.
Ask them what they think will make them feel safer and if they feel comfortable telling friends or family what is going on.
Respect their privacy. Only tell the people who need to know about the situation.
Offer an open door to talk again in the future.
Trust that they are doing the best they can in this situation.
Don’t…
Minimize or downplay the situation.
Lecture them about what you consider to be poor parenting or choices.
Ask about their behaviors, as this can be interpreted as victim-blaming.
Give advice or tell them what to do.
Make promises you can’t keep.
If you believe a parent/guardian is experiencing sexual or domestic violence, follow these steps:
Approach the person privately.
Share your observations and concern, with the goal of offering support, not to do an investigation. People who are experiencing abuse or assault are most likely to disclose to a person they have a trusted relationship with—you.
Share a validating, supportive statement. Many survivors feel judged and worried that they are at fault and responsible for their and their children’s trauma. Often, the abuser uses shaming and put downs about a victim’s parenting to manipulate and control them. It is helpful to observe and build on the strengths that they may have difficulty seeing in themselves.
Do no harm. Your role is important and may open a door to healing. If you do not feel prepared to offer supportive statements, you can skip directly to: “I am going to find someone who can help” and contact the school counselor.
You can say…
“I have noticed [insert behavior] lately. I want you to know that I care about [child’s name]’s and your safety and well-being. What do you think we could do better to support him/her/them at school?”
“Your and your child’s safety are important. Working with children over the years, I have learned that nearly everyone needs help in some area of their life at some point. Here are some resources in case you ever need them. You can always ask me or [school counselor’s name] about these if you have a question.”
“I was concerned about how you were treated in that meeting. It is not okay for a partner to belittle you or call you names [or other behavior you noticed]. You are a good parent and I want to make sure that you are safe.”
“Our school counselor is a great resource if you ever want to talk with someone about your or your child’s safety and well-being. My child’s counselor helped me a lot when we were going through some personal challenges.”
If you learn that a parent or guardian is a survivor of domestic violence:
Believe, support, & validate (as modeled above).
Tell the parent you are going to contact the school counselor or other point-of-contact.
Determine if a report is required (consult your school policy).
Contact the school counselor or other point-of-contact, then follow the steps below.
The school counselor/point-of-contact should:
Reach out to the parent who has experienced abuse or assault.
Believe, support, & validate the parent.
Ensure that the parent has their immediate medical and safety needs met.
Offer to call a DVSAS or Lummi Victims of Crime (LVOC) advocate who can meet with them to provide support and information in person or on the phone.
Ask the parent if there is a parenting plan, Order for Protection, or other paperwork to share that would help support their safety (see school policy).
Ask how the school can support their child’s immediate and ongoing safety.
Ask if there are other people or systems that you should be in touch with to support their safety à if yes, take down contact information and get a release of information.
Share contact information for DVSAS or LVOC.
Ask if they would like another appointment.
Follow-up with the original staff involved, CPS, law enforcement, DVSAS advocate, etc.
Mandated reporters should (consult your school policy):
Tell the parent if you are required to make a report to law enforcement or CPS and invite them to participate. DV is not always a mandated report.
Do not investigate the report.
Inform your administrator.
Report to CPS or law enforcement–with the parent, if possible.
Offer to have a DVSAS or Lummi Victims of Crime (LVOC) advocate meet with the parent during the police or CPS interview.
If yes, call DVSAS or LVOC to inform them of time/location of the interview.
Ask the parent if you can support them by staying connected to other systems. If yes, take down contact information of the people responding, ask about the best way to follow up, and get a release of information.
Domestic & Sexual Violence Service Directory
DVSAS
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services
24-hour confidential helpline
1-877-715-1563
360-715-1563
www.dvsas.org
Tl’ils Ta’á’altha
Nooksack Tribe Victims of Crime Program
24-hour confidential helpline
360-306-5090
https://nooksacktribe.org/departments/youth-family-services/tlils-taaaltha-victims-of-crime-program/
LVOC
Lummi Victims of Crime
24-hour confidential helpline
360-312-2015
Resources for LGBTQ+ Survivors:
This project was supported by Grant No. 2015-CY-AX-0012 awarded by the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women.